Insert Inappropriate Nazi Joke Here

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I didn’t plan on posting today. But when I woke up this morning I had three people on Facebook and several different bloggers all yelling in my virtual ear about the most recent TIME Magazine cover:

So I, being the conscientious mom-blogger that I am, decided that I have an obligation to my audience to weigh in on this matter — the biggest battle of the Mommy Wars since the Treaty of Dubuque forbade the use of loaded diapers as hand grenades.

And here’s what I have to say.

SHUT. UP. ALREADY.

Yes, the cover is offensive on lots of different levels. I don’t care why you’re offended; if you’re offended because it’s divisive, because it’s misogynist, because that kid is tall enough to ride the ride, or because of OHMYGOD I CAN SEE HER BOOB. It doesn’t matter. It is only a magazine cover.

Just take a deep breath. We are all in this parenting thing together, we’re on the same side, and we’re not going to let one eye-catching headline turn us into rabid badgers.

Breathe.

Breathe.

You’re not breathing. You’re still yelling. If you don’t stop judging each other RIGHT NOW, I will have to do something extreme.

I will yell at you in German.

I speak just enough to terrify you into breathing. Are you prepared to deal with that?

Now breathe.

In. Out. One, two … Fuck. You’re still yelling.

FINE. That is IT.

HALTE DEN MUND UND ATME! JETZT! IN, AUS, EIN, ZWEI! ATME! ATME! ATME, SCHWEINEHUND!*

Now. If that hasn’t convinced you, nothing will. Except maybe this article, which is all serious and shit.

* “SHUT UP AND BREATHE! NOW! IN, OUT, ONE, TWO! BREATHE! BREATHE! BREATHE, PIG-DOG!” (If you speak German better than I do, please do not be offended by my mangling of a harshly beautiful language. My apologies. Please don’t hurt me!)

10 responses to “Insert Inappropriate Nazi Joke Here

  1. Hey man, leave my little Badger alone!!!! Thanks for that ERoosevelt quote. I am constantly saying to my 2nd/current husband (M) – “you & I don’t talk about fuckall, H (1st husband, now deceased) & I used to talk about everything under the sun. Forever. Without shutting up or breathing. We (M & me) suck.” H & me: great minds. M: average mind. What to do???

  2. sweet lord jesus, why have i not visited your blog earlier? this post is glorious. i’m so in agreement. feed them until they’re 21 off your breast. i don’t care. good lawd. let’s talk about something else more exciting like wall sockets. mother loves you, other mother. sm

    • Oh, now I’m all flushed and teary! I love your blog soooooooooo much, and I’m likely to be all puffed up from this praise ALL. DAY. And yes, I think that the whole “Mommy Wars” thing is the most ridiculous and self-defeating thing ever, and there are so many more important things for us to get worked up about. Like wall sockets. Fucking wall sockets, always judging me. They think they’re so superior, being all electric (boogie woogie woogie) and stuff.

      • down with the wall sockets! up with the mommies! something like that. lol. it’s too cray cray. we should all be doing other things!

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