Dr. Kathy, Marriage Expert

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I’m coming up on my tenth wedding anniversary. That’s right — I’ve been married to one man for nearly a full decade! As such, I am an expert on marriages. All marriages. Even yours!

So here are some tips I threw together on how to have a happy marriage.

1. Marry Someone You Like. This is where many people make their first big mistake: by marrying someone who is sort of a douchenozzle.

See? They like each other. (Photo by steelrose1)

2. Do your own laundry. I can’t stress this enough. Nothing strains a marriage like finding out that your husband put your expensive bras in the dryer on high heat when he should have hung them on the drying rack. Do your own laundry; your marriage and your underwires will thank you.

Seriously. It took me years to get that man to read the washing instructions in his clothes, I’m not letting him touch mine. (Art by k_vohsen)

3. Don’t be so serious. Nothing diffuses a tense situation like laughing. My favorite method of producing necessary gales of laughter is by letting loose a long and resonant fart, but you need to figure out what works best for you. Not everyone finds flatulence as hilarious as my Loving Husband and I do.

4. Objectify. Yes, your marriage is based on love, trust, and mutual respect, but everyone wants to feel sexy and desired as well. A little healthy objectification between two consenting adults never hurt anyone. How can this be accomplished? Butt pinches always work, as do unexpected gropes. PDA’s are nice as well, though you really should try to stay within the bounds of legality. There’s a fine line between being appreciative and being arrested.

That’s right ladies, that’s my fella! Well, part of him, anyway. Eat your hearts out.

5. Forgive. You know all those little things that drive you crazy about your husband or wife? Forgive them. So, yeah, he holds his fork incorrectly, and his toes crack EVERY. TIME. THEY. MOVE. Those things will never stop making you nuts. But if you can forgive them, then those little things won’t break you. As for the big things … if you can find it in your heart and conscience, if it’s not a deal-breaker (like domestic violence, emotional or verbal abuse, or constant watching of the Three Stooges), forgive those too. Love requires a lot of forgiving.

Love.

Follow these simple rules and you’ll have a happy marriage! Probably. Or maybe not, if your marriage is different from mine. Or if you married a douchenozzle. In which case you’re on your own, kid.

51 responses to “Dr. Kathy, Marriage Expert

  1. Happy Almost-Anniversary! Mr. Weebles and I have been married for 6 years. We do our own laundry. That’s been a huge help. And a good butt grope is always a plus. But he’ll always insist on putting dirty dishes on the counter—not even in the sink—when the dishwasher is completely empty. I’ll always want to murder him for that.

    • Forgive. Don’t murder. Forgive. (But you can still yell at him before forgiving him. Venting is good, too.)

    • My husband does the same thing. He puts the dirty dish on the countertop right above the dishwasher like that one extra step of opening the door was too much. Drives me bonkers. Okay, okay, I will work on the forgiving part so I don’t stab him with a crusty fork.

      • I find that coming up with threats of increasing violence and originality keeps him scared, helps me vent, and prevents actual violence. That might not really be the healthiest way to deal with it from a ‘psychiatric’ standpoint, but it sure is a lot of fun.

      • If you figure out how to refrain from the stabbing, please tell me your secret, speaker7.

  2. This explains a lot … about my sister’s marriage. My great guy brother-in-law, Herb (with a silent H), always does his own laundry, always does the dishes and takes out the trash WITHOUT BEING TOLD.

  3. Dear Kathy,

    Happy Anniversary! :-)

    I’m afraid to say I failed at marriage, I did end up murdering him. Oh well, Next Man should have a better chance now you’ve told me what to look out for. :-)

    Love Dotty xxx

    P.S. What’s a PDA?

    • Dear Dotty,

      PDA stands for Public Display of Affection. They’re fun, when you’re doing them. They can be irritating when it’s someone else doing it, and not including you.

      Love,
      Kathy

  4. excellent solid advice.. I just had my 20th and happily so. Oh he drives me nuts and it is very hard to ignore those things that drives us both mad. But I agree- nothing says I love you like doing your own laundry, dishes and laughter. I do NOT do PDA but I do PRIVATE DA :)
    Happy Anniversary wise wife!
    Unfettered

    • The anniversary itself isn’t until December, but the blog post idea came in August, and who am I to wait? And I can’t say that I am able to ignore the things that make me batty, but I try very hard to not let them pile up on me. I get mad, then I get over it. You don’t want to let it fester, you know?

  5. Wow, you really are an expert! I avoided marrying a ‘douchenozzle’ so I’m pretty happy! You’re right, there’s not much you can do about fixing a marriage with a ‘douchenozzle.’ I really like the term ‘douchenozzle’ and will actively pursue opportunities to use it. Thank you for introducing ‘douchenozzle’ into my vocabulary!

    • You’ve never heard that? I’ve got zillions of variations, from Douchecanoe to Albus Dumbledouche. I would be happy to help you expand your douche-cabulary.

      • Fish Out of Water

        I heard douchekebab on Keeping up with the Kardashians the other night. It was the only good thing that ever happened when I watched that stupid show.

        Great advice and happy almost anniversary. We have a December anniversary too!

      • Yay! Happy almost-anniversary to you, too!

  6. I think I’d like to print this as guidelines for my future marriage (and hang it in the bathroom or kitchen like people do)…..and douchenozzle is an amazing word.

    • I recommend putting it in the bathroom on the mirror. You can never be certain that a guy is going to go into the kitchen, but he is guaranteed to go into the bathroom.

  7. Wise words for sure! And coming up on 24 years of marriage myself, I couldn’t agree more. Especially about the laughter part. So important. And I would add another: don’t share bathroom time. I still don’t like even flossing in front of my husband. Some rituals are best left secret.

    Congrats on your ten years!

  8. My parents had a wonderful marriage, which meant that I knew what I wanted and what it looked like–and that it was worth waiting for. And I think #1 is key. (Although I think its companion could be “don’t BE a douchenozzle.” Or its equivalent.)

    • See, I didn’t have that — a healthy marriage to watch as I grew up. I had to figure it all out on my own, and from watching The Brady Bunch. You’re right, of course; if you want your significant other to behave in a non-douche manner, you must likewise not be a douche, -nozzle or otherwise.

      • Well, I think there are lots of ways to pick this up. Mine just happened to be at home.

        I just saw an ad for The Waltons on the Inspiration Channel (which I’d never heard of before yesterday, but it has all kinds of shows from my childhood and before), and the viewer commenting said of the Walton parents, “They didn’t always have the perfect marriage–sometimes they fought when they didn’t agree about something–but they’d been around long enough to know how to work it out.”

  9. Congrats, Kathy. Love the tips. Hubby and I have been married almost ten years and it’s grand. Men are wonderful, intelligent yet very simple (in a good way) creatures. They learn and listen well and love to be objectified. :). Happy Anniversary.

    • Thank you! The anniversary itself still isn’t for a few months, and I suspect we’ll make it, since he read the post and hasn’t yet killed me for putting a picture of his bum on the internet.

  10. Kathy,
    Happy 10th! Can I add another tip? Carefully study Fifty Shades of Grey. That’s right. It holds the truth.
    Le Clown

  11. Great advice! Happy Pre-Anniversary, and I’m glad your hubby didn’t mind having a picture of his bum placed on the internets for people everywhere to view. :D
    Great tips, as always! The cliff notes are amazing for 50 Shades of Grey (Way to go Speaker7, you make my day) but I would say that the book holds no truth in marriage. Unless it’s a paradoxical truth. Some sort of “do-nots” list.

  12. Douchenozzle is my new favorite word. I laughed out loud and I’m looking forward to throwing it around in conversation today. I thought you were right on in your marriage advice.
    Btw, your never-ending supply of quotes is impressive. I can never manage a quote unless it’s something to the effect of “don’t be a douchenozzle,” which, though eloquent and extremely useful, doesn’t impress the literary types and my daughter’s teachers as well as the ones you use.

  13. Very true! Great advice! Because I always look forward to reading your wise blogs, I feel it very necessary to award you with the “Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award”. I’m sure you’ve received many and will receive many more. Congrats Kathy, on your awesome blogging! Please go see the details: http://mylifeisapictureshow.wordpress.com Liza

  14. Haha! Your tension-easing advice resonates the most with me. I have an uncanny ability to laugh when I am at the peak of anger. Then I am angry that I laughed, and laugh even more. The argument is screwed but it sure eases tension.

    • Yeah, it doesn’t much resolve things, and sometimes the same argument pops up again later, but laughing does an awful lot to keep you from strangling one another in the moment!

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