One of the coolest things about WordPress allowing me to track all my blog’s random statistics is the list of search terms people have used to find my page. Most of them are boring or predictable, like “feeding babies sweet potatoes” and “how to puree baby food with a hand blender.” To the people who found me through those sort of search terms, I hope that you found me to be both entertaining and informative.
However, most of them are decidedly not boring. For your entertainment, I now present a selection of the bizarre, awkward, and otherwise wicked fun search terms that people have used to find my little parenting blog.
As of May 22, 2012, we have:
polygamist women: Are you looking for classifieds? I’d try Craigslist. Also, prefacing your search with “hot and horny” might get better results.
clown terror: A clown being terrified would be the height of irony. You scary hipster, you.
gauged ears fohawk: I fear that you were terribly disappointed at being directed to my blog. Sausage does not yet have any piercings at all, though we are considering allowing him a nipple ring for his third birthday.
think i do on the weekends: I don’t know. What DO you think you do on the weekends?
pregnant belly see baby butt: If this is happening, please call a doctor. RIGHT. NOW.
my camels shadow with my leg: This is remarkably specific to my copyrighted photo. I guess I’m not the only one who took a picture like that? Or do you love my blazingly white thigh so much that you keep coming back to it?
meaty spice: This is what the other Spice Girls mockingly called each other whenever one of them put on weight and started to look normal.
baby born feed then poops: Yes, this is a frequent order of operations. Good job!
personal grooming milf: Because it’s hard to be a true MILF if you never shower.
childish devil: So … you’re searching for information about my ex-boyfriend?
redheads what my mom thinks i do meme: I’ll tell you what my mom thinks I do. She thinks I dye my hair. And she’s right.
polygamist + rare genetic disorder: = Fox’s exciting new reality series, perhaps?
“feed me!” alien plant: I think you’re looking for “Audrey II”. Jesus, do you live under a rock? Get some culture.
what to do when you’re home alone: Oooh, I have lots of ideas! Take a long bath! Run around the house naked! Sing loudly! Watch movies that your husband hates and mocks, like “Grease 2″! Read books SILENTLY! Let the kitchen be a really big mess! Run around naked some more! I could go on and on.
baby shower images clip art devil: Now, we know that I love devils. But even I didn’t have a Satan-themed baby shower.
barbie peeing: How does one pee when one does not have genitals?
they told me i could become anything so i became a toothbrush: Um … congratulations?
scary toothless man with bad hair: Those toothless men. They just never remember to get their hair cut. Crazy.
Update, March 11, 2013:
hellish llama: Careful, this one spits fire.
go home llama you’re too drunk: In llamas, it’s a fine line between “too drunk” and “just drunk enough”.
you’re welcome llama: Manners in young llamas can be so hard to come by these days.
snoring llama: Another llama one? Really? Okay, well, I guess people just really love their llamas.
don’t forget your llama: What is this? Come on! I write about babies and poop and ways to use the word ‘douche’! Why do you people keep coming here?
partying llamas: Alright, this is starting to feel like a Monty Python sketch. We’re done here.
please: Thank you.
bitch pleas: In which bitches beg.
slayer & baby face fucking: I’m really not sure what you were looking for, but I certainly hope that you found it on my little parenting blog, you perv.
shave while showering with baby: I hope that this search resulted in you deciding that this was a bad idea, because it is. A REALLY. BAD. IDEA.
you are my minion: Am I?
is it ok to torture a baby because they are going to forget anyway?: JESUS CHRIST! What kind of sickos are coming to my blog? YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. GO AWAY.
can you feed your baby with a douche: Yes. I feed my baby with my husband all the time, and it works just fine.
I’ll try to remember to update this periodically. I can’t imagine that the font of bizarre search terms will ever dry up.