This Is Why I Don’t Wear Shorts Anymore

I’m majoring in Trophy Wife with a minor in MILF. ~ Unknown

Let’s talk for a few minutes about personal grooming. It is described in Wikipedia, that bastion of academic excellence, thus: “Grooming in humans typically includes bathroom activities such as primping: washing and cleaning the hair, combing it to extract tangles, and styling. It can also include cosmetic care of the body and removal of the pubic and axillary hair for women and shaving of the beard for men.”

We stay-at-home-moms (and, to a lesser extent, those moms who work outside the home) are not generally known for our personal grooming habits. People who don’t have kids frequently seem to wonder just how difficult it could possibly be to shower now and then, or to comb our hair and put on a touch of makeup. So, in an effort to help you well-groomed folks understand where we’re coming from, a bit of a before-and-after comparison taken from my own experience.

Showering, Before Baby:

Step into shower.

Enjoy the hot water for a few moments.

Wash face with fancy exfoliating scrub. Wash face again with facial soap.

Wash body with exfoliating cloth.

Shave things, including (but not limited to) the legs and underarms.

Wash hair.

Condition hair.

Pumice feet and elbows.

Enjoy the hot water for a few more moments.

Step out of the shower, and spend the next ten minutes or so moisturizing body and face, trimming toenails and fingernails, and tweezing eyebrows.

Get dressed. Put on makeup.

Total time, beginning to end: 45 minutes.

Frequency: Daily.

Post-shower, pre-baby. Why yes, this really is what I looked like.

Showering, Since Baby:

Place Baby in his seat on the floor.

Step into shower.

Make faces at Baby through the shower door to make him laugh, since he is not showing any interest in the toys attached to his seat.

Forget to wash face.

Suds up body. Begin singing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”, in response to Baby’s whining.

Rinse body. Put shampoo in hair.

Get out of shower to remove the plastic bag (that I didn’t think Baby could reach while in his seat) from Baby.

Step back into shower. Rinse shampoo out of hair and straight into eyes, because I am distracted by Baby screaming about the plastic bag.

Forget to condition hair.

Attempt to distract Baby by singing “American Pie” while attempting to shave underarms.

Bleed a little.

Finish shaving underarms. Realize that I no longer know all the verses to “American Pie”, and that Baby is Not. Having. Fun.

Decide that legs really aren’t that hairy anyway.

Step out of shower. Realize that I forgot to pre-position a set of clean sweats to put on after the shower. Decide that Baby is too antsy and annoyed to tolerate being left in his chair while I go get some. Put on dirty clothes from floor.

Forget to comb hair. Later, wonder why it has dried so strangely, making me look like a redheaded Rod Blagojevich.

Nothing says “Stylish, hip young mom” like the Blago ‘Do.

Total time, beginning to end: 10 minutes.

Frequency: Two to three times a week.

As you may have gathered, I don’t look as good after a shower now as I did after a shower a few years ago.

Post-shower, post-baby. Only not as well dressed as this.

So on behalf of moms everywhere, I beg you to have some sympathy. If we are out in public, wearing moderately clean jeans, with no noticeable body odor and no patches of mashed banana or vomit in our hair, we are doing quite well and should be praised, not scorned. And if you should see one of us, dressed fashionably, clean, shaved, and wearing makeup, you should definitely buy her a drink and ask her secret.

Please post it in the comments, because seriously, I look like a hot mess. You would be doing the world a service.

4 responses to “This Is Why I Don’t Wear Shorts Anymore

  1. I was writing a book of before and after having a daughter so I sympathize. Great stuff!

  2. Pingback: Queasing My Way Through Egypt « Don't Forget to Feed the Baby

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