All of civility depends on being able to contain the rage of individuals. ~ Joshua Lederberg
CLASSIFICATION: RAGE FAIRY (F. SAEVIUS)
KINGDOM: ANIMALIA (animal)
PHYLUM: CHORDATA (vertebrate)
CLASS: MAGIA (magical)
ORDER: AVIFORMES (winged)
FAMILY: HOMONIDAE (human-shaped)
GENUS: SECULARUS (non-angelic)
SPECIES: FAIRIAE (fairy)
SUB-SPECIES: SAEVIUS (from the latin saevio, to rage)
Description: F. Saevius, more commonly referred to as Rage Fairies, can be found anywhere that humans live. They hover around the human’s head, looking for an opportunity to infect that human with irrational rage by injecting the human’s head with a light venom which quickly interferes with neurotransmitter function. The fairies then feed off of the rage that is produced.
Highly intelligent, they form a parasitic relationship with particular humans, and one human may find him- or herself to be the long-term host of anywhere from three to several dozen Rage Fairies, all of which know the human’s particular triggers. Some larger colonies have formed sophisticated societies based upon efficient methods of extracting rage from the human victim. Colony size is largely determined by a human’s susceptibility to the venom — people who are prone to mood swings or who are highly stressed are extremely likely to have large colonies. Extreme infestations are frequently mistaken for mental illness.
Though no known treatment can entirely remove a Rage Fairy infestation, certain steps may be taken to reduce their influence, which will also decrease colony size. Coffee, naps, massages, and bubble baths are all effective deterrents; alcoholic beverages can be very effective, but must be used with caution, as some colonies of Rage Fairies may find alcohol to be innervating. Relaxing vacations to exotic locales are very effective in treating Rage Fairy infestations.
Here follows a case study which illustrates Rage Fairy influence as well as a few of the various treatment methods available.
Kathy V’s Story
“I’ve always had trouble with Rage Fairies. They particularly like me because of my moodiness and my short fuse. But I was able to manage them pretty well before I became a mom — back in the days when, if I really needed a nap, I could take one as soon as I got home from work. I had a job that I liked, ate well, and was well-rested, all of which really helped me to resist the influence of my Rage Fairies.
“But once I became a mom, that all changed. Now I’m always short on sleep, I eat whatever comes to hand because I don’t have time to take care of myself, and I find being a stay-at-home-mom to be far more stressful and isolating than working for pay ever was. My colony has nearly doubled in size. I’ve become a Rage Fairy buffet.
“I’m especially susceptible to them in the mornings and in the evenings. In the mornings, before I’ve had my coffee, finding even one thing out of place in my kitchen is enough to send the Fairies into a frenzy. For example, if Sausage’s sippy cup from the previous night’s dinner didn’t get cleaned out and put in the drying rack, I find myself hurling verbal abuse at my absent husband, who is generally at the receiving end of my Rage Fairy induced fits. Fortunately, once I’ve had some coffee and breakfast, the Rage Fairies lose their grip on me a bit, and I’m able to go on with my day.
“Later, after about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I’m starting to get tired, and even coffee can’t prevent the Rage Fairies from sinking their little stinging, venom-covered spears into me then. If my poor Loving Husband is so much as twenty minutes late in getting home from work, they’ll send me into a fury. I say things that I regret, I slam doors — it’s not pretty.
“Once Sausage is in bed, a glass or two of wine really helps me to fend off the Fairies and regain a bit of equanimity. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but with my colony, a little wine puts those suckers right to sleep. They’re almost cute when they sleep. Almost.
“On weekends, it’s hard for the Rage Fairies to get much rage out of me at all — my Loving Husband understands my problem, and he lets me take naps, plays with Sausage while I take a shower, and has coffee ready for me in the mornings. Sometimes I can even get a massage out of him. I love weekends.”
If you feel that you may have a larger-than-normal Rage Fairy infestation, it is highly recommended that you systematically determine your rage triggers — talking to your close friends and family members may be extremely useful; as may talking to a therapist. Once your triggers have been determined, you will be able to avoid or mitigate them, which, over the course of weeks or months, may reduce the size of your Rage Fairy colony.