A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~ Mignon McLaughlin
I’m coming up on my tenth wedding anniversary. That’s right — I’ve been married to one man for nearly a full decade! As such, I am an expert on marriages. All marriages. Even yours!
So here are some tips I threw together on how to have a happy marriage.
1. Marry Someone You Like. This is where many people make their first big mistake: by marrying someone who is sort of a douchenozzle.
2. Do your own laundry. I can’t stress this enough. Nothing strains a marriage like finding out that your husband put your expensive bras in the dryer on high heat when he should have hung them on the drying rack. Do your own laundry; your marriage and your underwires will thank you.
3. Don’t be so serious. Nothing diffuses a tense situation like laughing. My favorite method of producing necessary gales of laughter is by letting loose a long and resonant fart, but you need to figure out what works best for you. Not everyone finds flatulence as hilarious as my Loving Husband and I do.
4. Objectify. Yes, your marriage is based on love, trust, and mutual respect, but everyone wants to feel sexy and desired as well. A little healthy objectification between two consenting adults never hurt anyone. How can this be accomplished? Butt pinches always work, as do unexpected gropes. PDA’s are nice as well, though you really should try to stay within the bounds of legality. There’s a fine line between being appreciative and being arrested.
5. Forgive. You know all those little things that drive you crazy about your husband or wife? Forgive them. So, yeah, he holds his fork incorrectly, and his toes crack EVERY. TIME. THEY. MOVE. Those things will never stop making you nuts. But if you can forgive them, then those little things won’t break you. As for the big things … if you can find it in your heart and conscience, if it’s not a deal-breaker (like domestic violence, emotional or verbal abuse, or constant watching of the Three Stooges), forgive those too. Love requires a lot of forgiving.
Follow these simple rules and you’ll have a happy marriage! Probably. Or maybe not, if your marriage is different from mine. Or if you married a douchenozzle. In which case you’re on your own, kid.