Douche: Not Just For The Ladies Anymore

So must the writer, whose productions should Take with the vulgar, be of vulgar mould. ~ Edmund Waller

In my last post, I casually used the word douchenozzle. For some reason, apparently completely unfounded, I believed that everyone used variations on the word douche, and that douchenozzle might elicit a few chuckles, but not much interest otherwise.

Well, I stand corrected. Obviously, most people have better things to do with their time than to sit around thinking up insults that include the word douche.

So I’ve decided to give you, my beloved followers, exclusive access to my doucheopedia, that you may expand your vocabulary of hilarious insults without actually having to spend time thinking them up. You’re welcome.

From Dictionary.com:

douche [doosh]

noun 1. a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. 2. the application of such a jet. 3. an instrument, as a syringe, for administering it. 4.a bath administered by such a jet. 5. Slang: Vulgar. douche bag. A contemptible or despicable person.

verb (used with object) 6. To apply a douche to.

(Photo by Shattunbury, via Wikimedia Commons)

Obviously, for the sake of my insults, we’re working primarily with the Slang: Vulgar usage. Yay!

Now, I can’t take credit for most of these. Many are in common use among those, like me, who are vulgar. Some are pop culture references. Others, the best ones, were created in conjunction with my friend A, who has a particularly keen mind for such things.*

*To explain: A and I had a rather lengthy text exchange one day in which we went back and forth, as fast as we could, calling each other douche-based names, because that’s how my friendships roll. Most of these are the result of that exchange.

The List:

Doucheface

Douchewad

Douchebag (the gold standard)

Douche Canoe

Douche Nugget

Douche Waffle

Douchenozzle

Douchepocalypse

Douchecopter

Douchehole

(Photo by Lennybacca, via Wikimedia Commons)

Doucheknuckle

Douchelord

Douchemeister

Douchecicle

Douche kabob

Doucheapotamus

Doucheadactyl

Doucheasaurus Rex

(Photo by canoo)

Douchey Potter and the Goblet of Douche

Dumbledouche

Doucheniss Everdouche

Douchey Jackson and the Lightning Douche

Please, feel free to use any or all of these in your writing and daily speech. If you have any of your own, or ones that you’ve heard and I’ve missed, please include them in the comments! I’m always looking to expand my douchecabulary!

69 responses to “Douche: Not Just For The Ladies Anymore

  1. I think Doucheasaurus Rex is my favorite.

  2. Sorry if I double-posted. And if I didn’t, this comment makes no sense. Technology confuses me.

  3. Kath, just yesterday my sister used “douchef*cker” I’m sorry to see that one didn’t make your list. I’m sending her the link to this right now!

  4. I appreciate you providing the service that has now added Douchemeister and Dumbledouche to my vocabulary. Thank you very much. Early in my tenure of writing my vastly educational blog, I published a post where I introduced my rock steady readership of seven to the Earl of Douche Bag. If you have a spare moment between ascertaining the meaning of life or pursuing my favorite sport, dust particle in air staring, you might want to check it out:

    http://lameadventures.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/lame-adventure-2-don%E2%80%99t-pay-crap-forward/

  5. These should all be in the Oxford English Dictionary. Dumbledouche and Douchepocalypse are my favorites, I think. I also enjoy creating terms including the word “douche” to denote a gathering of douchenozzles, such as doucheteria, douche-a-thon, douches-a-gogo, douchextravaganza, etc.

  6. Probably get bleeped………..

    I once met a douch-man driving a douch-mobile
    He had a little douch-rag to mop up his douch-spill
    Snobby with his douchiness which was very real
    Slapped his teeny douchnozzle when up me he tried to feel

  7. Teresa Cleveland Wendel

    This post was douch-e-licious!
    (My dear old gramma gave me a douche bag when I went off to college. It caused quite a scandal amongst the relations–many of whom are douche bags.)

    • AWESOME. Did you use it? When I was in college I suspect it would have been used for a combination of fancy vodka drinking apparatus and F*ck The Social Norms machine.

  8. Douchecopter!!!!!!!! Dying! I believe I told you not long ago about hearing Khloe Kardashian call her brother a douchekebab. I thought that was clever. And he is.

  9. I love the douche of yore. Me muddah had one…

  10. Undouche me! I love the word douche and all of its potential but it’s clear to me now that I’ve barely scratched the surface. I simply never thought to apply it to a waffle or a canoe. That’s about to change.
    Yours in douchebagery,
    Douchewaffle

  11. You always get me with the douche talk. Douchepocalypse is my favorite now, I think, and I want to use it when there are a bunch of douches in one place. And Dumbledouche sounds like a stupid douche.

    • I’m sure you won’t have much trouble finding a bunch of douches in one place. Just stand outside the Royal Farms on 36th for a while, they congregate there.

  12. Have you ever considered publishing your doucheopedia in e-book or paperback format? It would make excellent graduation, wedding, birthday, or anniversary gifts. You could have a gift set that comes with an actual douche bag. It would be the hottest gift of the year.

  13. Haha…great words. The other day I told my 16 year old son who was calling one of his friends a douchebag, not to. He didn’t even know what it was. I showed him a picture on the Internet so now he and his friends go around calling each other Massengill….lol

  14. I feel like such a douche-wad for not knowing all of these wonderfully insults, Not that I am a douche-aholic. All your wonderful research could be enshrined a the local doucheatorium. Well that is it for me – I am all douched-out from having to think of these additional douche bagels.

    • Oooooh, douche bagel. That’s an interesting one. If I do turn this into an ongoing page, I will definitely add that one. See, it’s because you’re a poet. You can do wonderful things with words. 🙂

      • douche bagel is for when you want to say douche bag but might offend some people. Like some of the douche bagels on facebook that might be complaining about your earlier use of the phrase 😉

      • Ah. I had actually misunderstood the fellow on Facebook. I got a joke from somebody who doesn’t usually make jokes. Mind = Blown.

  15. This is hilarious! Douche is one of my favourite words used to insult someone that I truly despise. I’m not quite one coffee in, so my creativity is lacking to add to your list; but I will make mention that if we are in the presence of the kids but I feel the need to say the insult I will use the abbreviation “DB”. As in: I can’t believe he’s such a DB sometimes. Or: Sometimes she’s such a DB it’s disgusting.
    Like, verbal censorship.
    And now: Doucheship. Ah, working it out one coffee at a time.

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  17. I was trying to explain douche canoe to someone who hadn’t heard it before and they just didn’t get it!!! What’s there to get? It’s vulgar and awesome. i also think it would make a great halloween costume. Strap a kayak or small canoe to yourself and fill it with douches. It may be hard to fit through doors though.

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