Tag Archives: being snarky

Blog Improvement Project, Part 2

Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time. ~ Karl Marx

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I want to improve Don’t Forget To Feed The Baby.

It’s important to me that this blog be something that my followers look forward to reading, and that they think of fondly when they are not reading it.

So, in order to make this blog all that it can be, I have conceived my Blog Improvement Project. Over the last months, I have looked critically at other, more successful, blogs; I have analyzed what makes them so great; and I am now ready to copy emulate mirror incorporate the things that I perceive to be the keys to their success. I am ready to, incrementally, turn this into a cookie cutter successful blog.

Please join me, as I take Don’t Forget To Feed The Baby from blah to … well, whatever it will be when we’re done. Hooray!

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This week’s Blog Improvement Project was supposed to be, according to my made-up and completely-arbitrary schedule, a Confessional Post.

My original intent was to talk about some of the many things that cause me great grief and pain, like Drew Barrymore and people who wear leggings as pants. It occurred to me, though, that this might be taken as making fun of people who write sincerely confessional blogs, many of which are beautifully written and genuinely moving. Since that really isn’t my intent, I decided to change tactics.

My next thought was to do a true confessional post. I worried about what I should talk about — my lifelong struggle with depression and social anxiety? The two miscarriages that I had before Sausage came along? My dying grandmother, and the regrets I harbor at never having known her better? My fears that I will pass on my neuroses and emotional baggage to my innocent son? I became really depressed thinking about it all. I’ve never been a journal-er; I talk about my problems with therapists, close friends, and some family members, but I don’t find writing about it to be terribly cathartic, and I don’t much like the idea of sharing the intimate details of my struggles with the public at large. Maybe someday I will want to blog about some of these things, but right now I’m not ready for that.

Sad Kathy is sad.

I thought about how I don’t even much like to read confessional blogs, just like I don’t like to watch deeply emotional or disturbing movies, or read books from Oprah’s Book Club. I like comedy, I like action and adventure, fantasy and science fiction — in other words, escapism. Reality has too many triggers for me. I like to keep things light.

This led me to think about this blog. I started it in order to share my baby food recipes, but it very quickly evolved into a humor blog. I can’t even entirely comfortably call it a parenting blog, since I don’t really write about parenting — I write about my life, about the things that I find funny, and it just happens that I’m also a parent. I write this blog to entertain anyone who happens to appreciate my brand of humor (which isn’t everyone — if I ever do have a real confessional post, remind me to tell you about all the people who think I’m NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL.)

Furthermore, I write this blog to entertain myself. Finding things to laugh at, to make fun of, helps me to retain perspective. It’s hard to cry when you’re busy laughing. I write this blog to get myself out of my head.

So there’s my confession. I didn’t really know what I was trying to do here. I knew that I needed a creative outlet, and that I was having fun writing, but I didn’t really have a purpose. This part of the project has helped me to figure out my purpose with all of this — I write this blog because it keeps me laughing. Hopefully, what I write here resonates with my readers and helps to keep all of you laughing as well. Because you know what? Life is pretty ridiculous. Sometimes we all just need to get out of our heads enough to recognize that.

See? This is pretty ridiculous. “I laugh and then I will eat your face! OM NOM NOM.”

The Blog Improvement Project, Part 1

The Blog Improvement Project, Part 1: Results Episode

Things I Should Have Said

My quest these days is to find my long lost inner child, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll end up with food in my hair and way too in love with the cats. ~ Kenny Loggins

I recently had the rare opportunity to go out to a trendy restaurant with a large group of people, none of whom have children. I don’t talk about my son very much with this group, since it seems like basic conversation etiquette to keep to topics that everyone has something to say about; that said, I don’t hide the fact that I’m a mom, and if it comes up I don’t shy away from the topic.

One man, in his mid-20’s, was saying that he has cats that he cares for and cuddles, and that therefore he doesn’t need kids. I said that I have cats as well, and that I’d felt that way about them for a long time. He asked me what had changed. What a loaded question!

Here are the top 10 responses that I could (and maybe should) have given to this innocently nosy question.

“What changed?”

10. Nothing. I didn’t know I was pregnant until he came out in the toilet at Wendy’s.

9. My kind always reproduce by splitting at our macronuclei in our 31st year.

I may LOOK human, but …

8. God wants me to have many children, to populate the world with the faithful.

That’ll put the brakes on ANY conversation!

7. I was tired of taking out the trash and doing dishes, so I made myself a little slave.

Damn kids need to pull their weight.

6. My ovaries started shouting Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! and I went into heat. It was unavoidable.

5. I decided that I had an obligation to the species not to allow stupid people who can’t figure out how to work a condom be the only ones who pass on their genes.

4. I need a new liver, and the quickest way to get a compatible donor was to birth one. {Swigs beer.}

3. Tax laws.

2. Sister Mary Katherine always told me that I’d get pregnant if I sat in the same chair as a boy had, and I must have just not been careful enough …

1. I was ready.

My boy.

That last answer is, of course, the one that has the most truth in it, and it is the one I gave. My friend clearly didn’t know how to respond to that — being ready, WANTING to have children is too foreign a concept to him just now.  Which is exactly how I felt at that point in my life, and I certainly can’t blame him for it.

Hopefully, I’ll have plenty more opportunities to go out with these people and field ridiculous (though sincere and genuine) questions with even more ridiculous answers. These are the joys of life!