Tag Archives: friends without children

Things I Should Have Said

My quest these days is to find my long lost inner child, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll end up with food in my hair and way too in love with the cats. ~ Kenny Loggins

I recently had the rare opportunity to go out to a trendy restaurant with a large group of people, none of whom have children. I don’t talk about my son very much with this group, since it seems like basic conversation etiquette to keep to topics that everyone has something to say about; that said, I don’t hide the fact that I’m a mom, and if it comes up I don’t shy away from the topic.

One man, in his mid-20’s, was saying that he has cats that he cares for and cuddles, and that therefore he doesn’t need kids. I said that I have cats as well, and that I’d felt that way about them for a long time. He asked me what had changed. What a loaded question!

Here are the top 10 responses that I could (and maybe should) have given to this innocently nosy question.

“What changed?”

10. Nothing. I didn’t know I was pregnant until he came out in the toilet at Wendy’s.

9. My kind always reproduce by splitting at our macronuclei in our 31st year.

I may LOOK human, but …

8. God wants me to have many children, to populate the world with the faithful.

That’ll put the brakes on ANY conversation!

7. I was tired of taking out the trash and doing dishes, so I made myself a little slave.

Damn kids need to pull their weight.

6. My ovaries started shouting Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! and I went into heat. It was unavoidable.

5. I decided that I had an obligation to the species not to allow stupid people who can’t figure out how to work a condom be the only ones who pass on their genes.

4. I need a new liver, and the quickest way to get a compatible donor was to birth one. {Swigs beer.}

3. Tax laws.

2. Sister Mary Katherine always told me that I’d get pregnant if I sat in the same chair as a boy had, and I must have just not been careful enough …

1. I was ready.

My boy.

That last answer is, of course, the one that has the most truth in it, and it is the one I gave. My friend clearly didn’t know how to respond to that — being ready, WANTING to have children is too foreign a concept to him just now.  Which is exactly how I felt at that point in my life, and I certainly can’t blame him for it.

Hopefully, I’ll have plenty more opportunities to go out with these people and field ridiculous (though sincere and genuine) questions with even more ridiculous answers. These are the joys of life!